Your opinions mean nothing to me….Daddy!

Well this morning I woke and I didn’t really have any cravings. At long last it seems the cravings have diminished to just a slight worry rather than mind-bending anxiety. It’s taken nearly two months to get here. I was starting to run out of things to take my mind off smoking however I have discovered a great distraction that I think I could market and eventually sell as a quit smoking aid. My youngest son! I’m pretty sure he asks lots of questions as part of a strategy of being deliberately annoying. So I’ve started to listen to him and play him at his own game. It became apparent very early on that he didn’t care about any of the answers I gave to his relentless queries about animals, drinks, the weather, other children’s parents, food, gravity, the solar system. I’m pretty sure he sees the barrage of questions as a form of antagonistic sport. But I didn’t let him know how irritating I was finding it all. In fact the whole disturbing interaction is great for taking my mind off my anxiety.

The trick is in realizing that these questions are not a natural consequence of innocent childish curiosity. My son is not in any way interested in the world or my comments and opinions about it. He just wants to do my head in and suck it dry like a tiny parasite. I asked him if he was a parasite and he replied “What’s a parasite? Is it like a parachute? Or is it more like a parrot? Do parrots live in trees? Is wood from Trees? Are trees a type of building?”

I gave up playing his game. I’m pretty sure he can keep this shit going longer than I can stay sober!

Miniature Hero

Well that nagging feeling I had on Tuesday where I was sure I had forgotten something turned out to be right. I had forgotten Valentines day and a quick stop at the off license and the 24 hour garage on the way home from work didn’t save the day. I presented my dearly beloved valentine with a bottle of Cava and a large box of miniature Heroes (her favorite, or at least she said they were at Christmas). She tutted and mumbled something along the lines of “hopeless”. I get the feeling she was expecting something a bit different. I feel a lot different in myself after giving up smoking. I’m generally more positive and getting slightly less stressed about it all however this hasn’t had the effect of turning me into a blissful romantic who expresses fake wonder at daffodils and kittens and stuff. I still think Poldark is crap.

I think she was expecting lingerie or something but I find women’s shops intimidating. I was genuinely relieved when the local discount shop brought out a one pound bra. I feel quite at ease in a shop which has everything for a pound including budget bras. I was hoping this would pass as sexy stylish underwear and would be deemed a suitable romantic gift but the wife has told me it’s not acceptable. Apparently it’s not fancy enough. And furthermore she says she is against the shop on principle because nothing can be produced that cheap without the use of underage child labour in conditions that make Oliver Twist look like Center Parcs. She’s forgetting that everything is a pound including miniature Heroes!

 

Mind control!

Well the trip to the zoo has seriously backfired. The kids enjoyed it immensely and now have a list of things they would like to do during half-term. I didn’t expect this to happen, this is serious! I was thoroughly stressed out the entire time. Normally days out have been curtailed by a tearful disagreement over who has which flavour ice lolly but this never happened. The kids seemed to genuinely enjoy themselves. The wife was smiling gleefully throughout the entire day like we were no longer a thoroughly dysfunctional family. She seems to be under the impression that I am a reformed character intent on being a good father who is preoccupied with healthy family based excursions. All I’ve done is give up smoking and drinking I haven’t been reprogrammed by MI5!

So there goes all the money I have so far saved from giving up smoking. The wife has gone and mentioned the Hawk Conservancy and falconry centre to one of the boys who has gone ape shit crazy about it. He loves the idea and has gone and told his teacher and friends all about it. So that’s that then, I have no idea how I’m getting out of that one. Basically I’ll have to drive 3 hours to a medium security bird prison staffed by alcoholic former stage actors dressed as Tudor noblemen. I’m not even sure I could depart from what dignity I have left to dress up like that. There’s a limit to just how fun this can be. I had no idea that giving up smoking would carry this level of responsibility!

Drunk Panda!

Well it’s nearly been a whole month, this is the longest I haven’t smoked for for as long as I can remember. I’m pretty sure I started when I was about oh I dunno, 12 maybe. Incidentally that’s pretty much when I started all my unhealthy pastimes including drinking, dodging any sort of physical exertion – especially work – and generally adopting an attitude of contempt towards any kind of authority especially people telling me whats good for my health. Well all that has changed. I’m very positive today as I approach the weekend and I’m thinking of taking the family out somewhere for a day trip. They really won’t be expecting that one!

Up until now I was dreading the weekends as I had to come up with imaginative excuses as to why I wasn’t attending the pub. It’s the pub strangely enough that has given me an idea of where to take the family. I’m going to take them to the zoo! I haven’t been to the zoo for years and I’ve never taken the family. The pub isn’t that far removed from a sort of human zoo. There are some of the rarest endangered humans on the planet in there. There’s the worlds reddest man, the two oldest looking middle-aged women on the planet and a girl who can sustain an argument with her boyfriend for 39 hours without needing any food or sleep.

I have spent hours in there like a sort of amateur anthropologist observing specimens like Dinky the 29 stone Glaswegian rail worker who uses a unique language to communicate with bar staff. He is always in there and resembles a big fat drunk panda. Technically he is not in captivity, he chooses not to leave! He just continues with his instinctive behaviour of drinking cheap beer and growling incoherently. This is his natural habitat, a cavernous, eerily quiet pub occasionally interrupted by the grunts and squeals of other pairs of humans performing drunken courtship rituals. I think it’s important that we preserve endangered species for future generations. Hopefully I’ll be taken off the endangered list soon!